In a charitable act that combined spiritual generosity with a mild hint of mystery, Raccoon Engineering proudly donated two boxes of rechargeable batteries to Capitol City Church on NE 14th Street this week. Church volunteers rejoiced, the sound team celebrated, and the techs immediately used them to revive every tired pack and microphone in sight.
The batteries, however, raised a few holy eyebrows.
Pastor Jared, ever the vigilant shepherd, noticed that each battery was adorned with what appeared to be a homemade label reading: “Raccoon Engineering Certified.”
With equal parts curiosity and pastoral concern, he asked Toby, a senior technician at Raccoon Engineering and part-time pew warmer, “Hey, where did you guys get these batteries?”
Toby, adjusting her safety goggles and gently placing a battery into a children’s ministry walkie-talkie, replied with perfect calm:
“Oh, we picked them up locally. Probably from behind the Walgreens or that nice box outside the recycling center. Very sustainable.”
“But why are they relabeled?” Pastor Jared asked, squinting at one labeled “HolyVolt™ – God’s Charge Never Runs Out”.
“Pastor,” Toby said with a straight face, “they’re not relabeled. They’ve been Raccoon Engineering Certified. That’s different. It means they’ve been… tested in situations of extreme spiritual and electrical need. Our mission is reliable power—both literal and metaphorical—for the glory of God.”
Meanwhile, across town…
BREAKING: All televisions at Shady Acres Retirement Center in Ankeny mysteriously would not turn on when it came time for Wheel of Fortune.
