In a completely rational move (by 3 a.m. Taco Bell standards), the Trump Administration and Elon Musk have hired Raccoon Engineering to cut costs across America and space. The partnership began when a D.O.G.E. (Department of Government Efficiency) agent spotted raccoons behind a dumpster turning an air fryer into a rocket booster.
Very underappreciated paws.” Musk added, “They work for trash and haven’t unionized. It’s ideal.”
Phase One, known as “Dumpster Budgeting,” cut $23 billion by replacing high-end NASA gear with trampolines and humidifiers. At the same time, raccoons handled the White House plumbing overhaul using dynamite-based demolition—accidentally unearthing a forgotten cache of Nixon-era jerky.
SpaceX let them redesign launch systems with bungee cords from Bass Pro Shops. They accidentally flung three senators into orbit but landed a Tesla on the ISS.
Additional initiatives include:
- DMV Reimagined: No lines, no forms—just a raccoon in aviator sunglasses flinging license plates at random and yelling “NEXT!
- National Park Enforcement: Ranger staff replaced by raccoons riding scooters, issuing citations for uncool picnics and weak marshmallow technique.
- IRS Modernization: Raccoons now raid homes at night, collect loose change, and leave a paw-stamped receipt that says “We good.”
Critics are alarmed, but Trump insists, “Next, we’re putting them in charge of Congress. They already work in the dark.”
“Toby from Raccoon Engineering helped design the Tesla Plaid. She stared at the schematics for five minutes, knocked over a Red Bull, and somehow the top speed increased by 30%. We now refer to that as the ‘Toby Effect.’” —Elon Musk
D.O.G.E: Website
